My purple jacket and faded red nails
by Chanterelle
Thinking about trying out he/they
Seeing He/him next to my name is starting not to feel right
Scared to share what makes me feel sexy
Gender and sexuality affirming actions. Tattoos. Piercings. Clothes. Colour. Nails.
Constantly reading “guys” as “gays” with gender on the mind on the daily
The difference that I experience within me when my nails are painted … the struggle … and joy … love seeing other guys painted nails … instantly drawn to them … want to be friends with them … find them attractive …
Painted my nails a reddish pink colour today and I feel I sexy
Painting my nails makes me feel so much closer to my gender and bisexuality and queerness. It’s like a sign to myself that’s it’s okay, plus you’re kinda hot. Rock it.
Feeling so grateful to have a partner that’s so supportive of my queer journey. I do still struggle with feelings of shame and self criticism. But those voices are quietening. That feels amazing. I still prefer to dress up just by myself for me but I think that’s okay and if that’s all I want it to be then that’s nice. It doesn’t have to be a linear progression of things. It’s just clothes that make me feel sexy. I wouldn’t want to feel like that outside. I want to be comfortable out there in my sensory environment. Plus I mainly like posing in front of a mirror anyway. My mind does wonder what it would be like doing this with a man or another gender while we’re having sex. The curiosity is there a lot. But right now I’m definitely happy exploring things like this with my monogamous partner. Think it might be nice to role play different feminine and masculine fantasies maybe.
Wow loving my colourful outfit today with my red nails. Plus new docs on. Feeling myself.
Damn yeah the mind reading is so much more with my nails painted. Such a practice of compassion towards myself and others otherwise it’s so easy to go down a dark spiral.
Shared with more people about my sexuality today in a safe art space which felt really nice. Mentioned about why I’ve painted my nails and people were really intrigued and excited about the writing that comes from it.
Also someone asked about my nails before and felt bad as perceived they hadn’t asked nicely but it was a normal question I thought. Interestingly though she said yeah she asked because associated it with being gay, but he knew I was married to a woman which didn’t make sense to them. Only understood after I’d talked about my bisexuality. He has gay friends who wear makeup but maybe no bisexual male friends? Think it’s pretty common. Maybe shows why this writing is important.
After sharing more about my nails and queerness with classmates I feel more warmth from them. Not sure if it’s just within me feeling more authentic or it is that they feel safer or closer to me maybe? More at ease around me? It is more women interestingly though? I feel much more comfortable being around women with my nails painted. And queer and soft men too though. Just feelings today sitting looking at artist books.
Someone close mentioned today that she’s impressed that my nails still look newly painted with no chips. Hm. Yeah I do seem to keep them un-chipped well. Wonder why? I don’t pick them but what are other factors? Feeling happy it sparked this nice conversation about them.
Had my red nails for like 4/5 days now and feeling very comfortable in them which feels nice. When I see them in the mirror brushing my teeth it brings me a lovely sense of joy.
A wave of terror and anxiety after bumping into an old friend, about what he thought of my painted nails. And his friend being. Worrying that they thought was I gay. Internal homophobia showing up.
Sunday morning decaf coffee in Malmo by myself. Nice and chill. Waiting to go to a flash tattoo day at a vegan studio. Complimented the barista with her piercings. She returned the kindness towards my red fading chipped nails. A nice interaction. Feeling like a fresh coat with a new colour I think. See how that makes me feel. Maybe green.
Hm. I’m wanting to wear more colour and less black. Feeling constricted and not myself in the black. Feels like it’s a way of hiding. Which it has been.
Red nails peeling. Feeling comfortable. A little ratchet.
Umm okay. So i got egged on the tram tonight. Luckily it wasn’t a direct hit. But not a great experience. A thought did pop into my mind if it was about my purple jacket and faded red nails, and if I should’ve worn or done something else, been something less.
But it is Halloween and it was a group of young boys being rowdy at the back. Must’ve thrown it while getting off and I was in a prime target spot. Now sat here on the train to Stockholm feeling overwhelmed and a bit on edge from any loud noise and group.
Feeling sticky, the egg smell in my nostrils. Ugh.
Partner said I had to remove the red as it was looking too ratchet. Feeling a bit naked without it actually. Also thinking how will people know I’m queer now.
I feel so much sexier with a fresh coat of paint. Really connects to my sexuality literally. Mentally and physically. Had sex as soon as they were dry.
Seen old friends in Stockholm today, plus their little baby and partners. Asked “why the nails?” Plus noticed some looks too. It is interesting “why the nails?” And not “they look nice” or something like they might say to a woman typically? Or actually they probably don’t even mention/notice.
The archive is part of the doctoral research project “Bi+ mäns digital life writing: levda erfarenheter och kulturella föreställningar” led by Mateusz Miesiac — a doctoral candidate in gender studies at Södertörn University in Stockholm. The project has the approval of the Swedish Ethical Review Authority.
If you want to join the archive, use the contact form or email mateusz.miesiac@sh.se.